learning and growing

I have never been good with conflict. In my family I was youngest of nine kids. Three boys and six girls. Whoever was strongest, fastest, loudest got what they wanted. There was never enough for everybody, whether it was food, pens, paper, T.V., privacy, you name it. I shared a bedroom and bed with my brothers for probably ten years. They were about ten and eleven years older then me. As a sibling I did everything I was told or faced threats, humiliation or force. I got to where I could beat up my sisters, one at a time, but then they started fighting me at the same time and it took a few more years till they stopped messing with me altogether. After my dad died, around 12-13, no one was home who could handle me. My mom would call one of my brothers and they would literally knock me out to get their point across. I would just get up and run away.
I’m sharing all this to explain how I learned how to react to conflict. I learned how to make myself invisible in order to insure my safety. My brothers taught me, “If you’re not swinging your whining”. So as an adolescent I was violent, belligerent and combative. I didn’t believe words had any power. Only physical aggression worked in my family and neighborhood. People were afraid of me in my neighborhood and that felt good.
When I got clean in ’84 I had so much trouble learning to express myself. Talking about my feelings seemed so emasculating. “Asking people for what I wanted” and “telling people what I needed”. I would rather go to the dentist! It was risky, humiliating and pointless. People are going to do what they want. What I want and need is irrelevant. I had no idea I had so little self-worth. I had no idea how afraid I was of being rejected. Of asking somebody for something – if they said no it meant I had no value or power.
I was shocked as I began to experiment with words.” I’m uncomfortable when you…” actually worked. People apologized profusely, at times. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t know”. “I would rather you didn’t…. when I’m around”. People said ok. I felt empowered and listened to. It was amazing. I didn’t have to hit people. I didn’t have to threaten people. I didn’t have to intimidate people. It felt good to talk and I began to learn to express my feelings. I began to listen to people too.
Twenty five years later I feel like I have a PhD. in detachment. Most interactions I am able to understand it is the person’s stuff they are dealing with and not me. I still have a conversation with myself when processing whether to approach someone about something that is bothering me. What if they really don’t care about how I feel? What if what I want isn’t important to them? Usually, people care enough to listen. When they don’t, I adjust and adapt.